ok, so i'll just let you all call me yuki.

god knows anyone will even read this.
but i dont know, im one of those people who love to talk and sometimes i have random thoughts and i think they help me understand myself. hence, i found myself here, wanting to share some thoughts and secrets with you all and hey, maybe i'll even make friends here haha
im an eighteen year old with (at the time of writing) approximately one and a half years left of 'teen-hood' and im pretty eager to live it up as much as possible. i used to be really social but lately i've found myself more comfortable when i'm alone. its weird thinking back to when i was just sixteen or even seventeen and i refused to go into a store by myself for a fear of awkwardness. now i do it every single day. gosh i must sound so silly.

but anyway, i want to start a diary but i dont trust my family enough to keep one in my house. isn't that ironic that i would rather confess all to a complete world of strangers than have one person who's close to me know even the smallest secret about me.

today i was waiting on a friend. i waited a long time for that particular friend so i went into a big bookstore in the city. i wont name it because thats silly. but anyway thats not my point. when i finished my final exams last year, i went into this bookstore with my family and a man followed me around the store for three hours. i went to almost every single book section and he always stood in the row behind or infront of me. i even hid behind a shelf and he came around and found me, looked at me and then went in the opposite row. i refused to leave the store because i was scared he'd come get me. eventually a family member alerted the security staff but they didn't really do anything. ive never felt so uncomfortable. and anyway, today it happened again. it was a different man though. i saw him when i entered the store and as i was walking around the store i turned around he was behind me. this happened for the whole hour and half i was in the store. i think theres somethig wrong with me. maybe im just incredibly paranoid when i go in there but its not even a flattering form of attention. im not pretty, tall or incredibly skinny. im just really average. i dont know why anyone would want to follow me.

im so tired. its only eleven at night but ive been doing so much uni work lately i dont even know the difference between night and early morning anymore. i woke up at six thirty this morning after going to bed at two-ish and i was shaking. i had so much work to do but i physically couldnt do it. it was really strange.

i really want to leave home. i dont think my parents understand. maybe they just dont want me to leave. well not my mother anyway. they all think im like this thirteen year old who doesn't know about the world. i was so sheltered before i started drinking and its not like i have the most amazing life experiences but im not exactly brain dead yet. when i was little i always wanted to run away. its funny because i didn't have any problems when i was that age yet i planned running away with me dog and packing dog food and buying loaves of bread. i dont think i really even have 'problems' now. they're all in my head. i just wish i had something to blame for the way i feel and the way i act.

i read mysecret by frank warren today. he did the postsecret books as well. i love reading them. they're so intriguing. because its so weird knowing that people have the same secrets as me. i want to know peoples secrets. i wish someone else made me their confidant.

im going to bed now but i'll be sure to post again on sunday. im going out tomorrow night. i aim to get completely plastered. i dont condone binge drinking but im not exactly a picture perfect role model. i know it makes me sick and i know it makes me look stupid and i know it makes me act like someone im not but, i think, every now and again, i need that. i need to feel free and i need to feel invisible. i like that feel so much. probably even too much.

sometimes i plan what i want to tell certain people when im drunk. i love the fact i can use it as an amazing excuse 'because i was drunk' but its really all staged. i over analyse my whole life. i want to tell this boy that i've always thought he was cute. he has a girlfriend now. i sound like such a home wrecker. im really not. im the last person anyone would want to get in a relationship with. everyone thinks that i have a lot of friends and that boys like me. truth is, i havent actually been asked out for over a year. and the people i have said 'yes' too, i only ever saw them once. before they asked me out. i never see people when we're dating. i'd much rather be the drunk girl people hook up with.

i have low body image. i hate how people use excuses though like 'oh she has low confidence' and stuff like that. no one ever expected that i'd have problems. ive become so good at lying now everyone thinks im perfectly fine.

i got drunk and i made myself vomit. in front of a family member. now she thinks bulimic. oh if only she knew. i've been doing it for years now. its just no one notices because im not skinny. i eat too much to be skinny. oh what i would do to be thin. im so weak i cant control myself at all. its stupid ive always wished to be skinny. im going to do something about it. i dont think anyone knows that i hate myself. i hate my body. the only reason i pull all the cothes out of my cupboard before i go out is because i need to try on everything before i think i look 'decent'. sometimes i like myself. sometimes i think im cute. but then i realise im lying to myself. gosh lower than low. not only do i lie to other people, i can lull myself into false security.

im such a pro.
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